The stepmother is probably the least-defined role in the contemporary family structure: She is a parent, yet not the parent. A caregiver but not always a care-getter. She donates considerable time, space, attention, resources, and family income to people from another life. She has not only willingly opened her private life to the one she loves, but allowed it to be invaded by needy, willful, attachments with whom she has no biological, legal, or dependent connection.
And what does the stepmom get for her trouble (while the woman from another life gets a regular alimony check)? Probably not as much as she deserves -- certainly less than she imagined when she first considered her romantic future. This is not to say that stepmoms are miserable and masochistic. Often they dearly love the children brought into their lives. But her needs are frequently overshadowed by those of her husband. She is there for him. She is there for the kids. But who's there for her, and is it enough?
In my experiences as a remarried father and author of essays on divorced dadhood, I've identified six things remarried dads need to realize they owe the new loves in their lives.
As a divorced dad, you may feel you're the one being pulled, stretched, and needed -- and you undoubtedly are. But consider the stepmother: Her life has been invaded by forces she agreed to but never signed up for. Like you, she is physically anchored to your children. Being with you means she cannot pick up her life and move somewhere else. Being with you means sharing an income with your last partner. Being with you means relinquishing more privacy than she ever thought she'd have to give up.
Joel Schwartzberg is a nationally-published essayist and author of the award-winning collection, "The 40-Year-Old Verison: Humoirs of a Divorced Dad"
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Follow Joel Schwartzberg on Twitter: www.twitter.com/joeljest
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