Beth Arnold: Letter From Paris: A Very Joyeux Christmas

Christmas Eve is finally here, and what have I brought to you from Paris?

I come bearing the star of our brilliant tree Bébé-Marie, the Christmas Monkey.

Photo by Beth Arnold

Every year Bébé-Marie crawls out of your liquor cabinet and swings through your trees to shake things up. She likes toe-tapping jazz and Cajun music not to mention a good party, and, oh, how she loves to dance! Bébé-Marie crowns our tree resplendently, overseeing her subjects that include Mexican tin Day of the Dead decorations, sparkly balls, golden bows, and our newest acqusitions, brightly colored (and wiggly) fishing lures. They take on a special glow beneath her skirt.

Photo by Beth Arnold

If you're lucky, Bébé-Marie might just swing into your house to liven up your Christmas! To entice her, leave mincemeat cookies and a glass of old rum next to some rocking CDs.

Wishing everyone a Happy Holiday Season filled with peace, love, and joy. Blessings to all. Have a very Joyeux Christmas!

Beth Arnold lives and writes in Paris. To see more of her work, go to www.betharnold.com.

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Bruce Kluger & David Slavin: Christmas Crisis: Santa Laid Off!

"Hi, I'm Santa Claus. No, not some smelly saucehead ringing a bell for the Salvation Army: I'm the Real McKringle. You know, red suit, white beard, massive butt. Guess what? I got FIRED by the mega-corporation that bought my Workshop. So for the first time in 970 years, it seems I've got some time on my hands now. Time to 'spend with my family.' Time to try out some new careers. Time to blog."

Day 9: Dressed to Kill...Myself
Went to Best Buy for a job interview. Thought I had it, too, until they told me I had to wear one of those god-awful blue polo shirts. I told them I'm a winter -- I look good in reds, whites, blacks, that kind of thing. I told them I had my own suit, too, but the asshats wouldn't budge. You be the judge. I think I look like Papa Smurf.

Day 13: Shoot. Me. Now.

Day 15: Crash Test Dummy
Mrs. Claus said I should get a job driving a cab. Can I drive? Yes. A sleigh. Pulled by flying reindeer. In the middle of the night. That doesn't mean I can drive a Crown Vic in the middle of rush hour! But I gave it a shot. (Note to self: check life insurance policy--she's probably upped my coverage again.)

NOW ON SALE!

Twas the Night Before Christmas: 21st Century Edition (Andrews McMeel)
By Bruce Kluger and David Slavin
TwasTheBook Website
TwasTheBook on Facebook
TwasTheBook on Twitter
Sacked Santa (Santa's Unemployment Blog, on Tumblr)

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